By Muthoni Njagi Therapist • Magistrate • Woman Over 40
If you’ve been navigating the dating scene recently, you’ve probably heard the phrase:
“The dating pool needs a permanent lifeguard.”
At first, it sounds like a funny internet joke — but after reviewing recent statistics and speaking with clients and peers, I believe there’s real truth behind it.
🌍 The State of Modern Dating: It’s Complicated
According to a Pew Research Center study on modern dating trends, more than half of singles in the U.S. say dating is harder now than it was a decade ago. The reasons? Ghosting, lack of commitment, mixed signals, and emotional unavailability.
And that’s just America.
Here in Kenya, while comprehensive stats are scarce, social media, therapy rooms, and daily conversations paint a similar picture:
• 🚩 Red flags are common
• 🧊 Vulnerability is rare
• 💬 Conversations are shallow
• 😶🌫️ Situationships are on the rise
So what’s going wrong?
🧠 A Psychologist’s Perspective: Why Dating Feels Like Drowning
As a therapist and woman over 40, I’ve had front-row seats to the changing dynamics in modern relationships. I’ve sat with clients through heartbreaks, ghosting, and the confusing world of swiping left or right.
Here’s my take:
1. We’re Dating with Pain, Not Purpose
Many people are entering relationships without healing from previous ones. Unresolved trauma becomes the filter through which they view love, leading to fear, insecurity, and self-sabotage.
👉 Dr. Thema Bryant, a renowned psychologist, often emphasizes the importance of healing before connecting — and I couldn’t agree more.
2. We Value Vibes Over Values
Modern dating tends to prioritize chemistry over compatibility. We chase butterflies instead of looking for emotional maturity, shared goals, or values.
3. People Want Love But Aren’t Ready for It
A lot of us want to be loved perfectly — but haven’t yet learned how to love well. Love isn’t a fairytale. It requires self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and a willingness to be vulnerable.
❤️ The New Dating Skills: What Should We Be Practicing Instead?
The dating pool may feel murky, but it’s not hopeless. Whether you’re in it, out of it, or taking a “holy sabbatical,” here’s what I suggest:
✅ Heal Before You Date
Understand your patterns. Reflect on your past. Seek therapy if needed. You can’t build a healthy relationship from a place of unhealed pain.
✅ Be Clear on What You Want
Forget the 40-point list of preferences. Get clear on your core values, communication style, and boundaries. Love needs structure, not just sparks.
✅ Practice Emotional Availability
Being emotionally available is sexy. It means showing up authentically, communicating your needs, and being willing to hold space for someone else’s.
✅ Date with Grace, Not Games
You don’t need to block and delete everyone. Sometimes, it’s about adjusting expectations, not cutting people off. Learn to honor people’s capacity — not just your hopes.
🛟 Final Thoughts: Lifeguard Optional, Inner Work Essential
So, does the dating pool need a lifeguard?
Maybe.
But what we need even more are people who are:
- Willing to heal
- Willing to be seen
- Willing to show up fully
Modern dating isn’t easy, but it can be meaningful — if we approach it with awareness, empathy, and intention.
✍🏾 Let’s Talk!
Are you navigating dating in your 30s, 40s, or beyond? Are you a therapist seeing these patterns too?
Let’s start the conversation.
📩 DM me on Instagram or share this blog with someone who needs it.
DatingIn2025 #ModernLove #TherapistTake #KenyanSingles #EmotionalIntelligence #RelationshipGoals #MentalHealthAndLove #DatingWisdom #IntentionalLiving #HealingBeforeDating
