The other day, I was speaking with my sister after a particularly intense therapy session and found myself saying something I hadn’t quite put into words before:
“It’s like I’m meeting myself afresh.”
And I meant it.
Even though I’ve sat in many therapy rooms before — both as a client and now as a Psychologist — this exploration into my attachment style felt like unlocking a part of me I didn’t even realize was driving so much of how I show up in relationships.
But first… What is Attachment?
🌱 The Roots: What is Attachment?
Attachment, in psychology, refers to the deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and space. The theory was first developed by John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst, who believed that the bonds formed in early childhood between a child and their primary caregiver profoundly shape how we relate to others throughout our lives.
How your parents or caregivers responded to your emotional needs — whether they were attuned, dismissive, inconsistent, or frightening — forms the blueprint for how you later connect with romantic partners, friends, even colleagues.
🧠 The Four Main Attachment Styles
- Secure Attachment
These individuals are comfortable with intimacy and autonomy. They trust easily, regulate emotions well, and maintain healthy relationships. - Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment
Often worried about abandonment or being unloved. May be overly dependent, seek constant reassurance, and feel unworthy of love. - Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment
Emotionally distant, uncomfortable with closeness. Tends to prioritize independence over connection and may shut down in emotionally charged moments. - Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
A confusing mix of both anxious and avoidant traits. Often the result of trauma or abuse. These individuals crave closeness but fear being hurt.
🧬 Where Do These Styles Form?
Attachment styles typically develop in early childhood, shaped by how consistently (or inconsistently) a caregiver responds to a child’s emotional and physical needs.
But here’s the powerful part — they’re not fixed. You can relearn and repattern attachment.
And that brings me to something I recently shared with my sister, and it really stayed with both of us:
According to research, you can develop secure attachment as an adult by:
- Being in relationships with securely attached people (friends, partners, mentors)
- Developing a relationship with God — a spiritual source of unconditional love and security
- Seeking therapy or working with a mental health professional — which contributes 60-70% toward internal rewiring
How profound is that?
You don’t need a perfect childhood to become securely attached.
You just need healing spaces and safe people.
🪞 My Experience: Therapy as a Mirror
In therapy, I’ve come to understand that even though I may appear composed and competent — in some areas, I’ve been operating from an anxious-avoidant script.
I’ve noticed how I sometimes fear needing others too much… or being too much.
How I’ve historically leaned into over-functioning as a way to earn safety or connection.
Sound familiar?
This is what I mean when I say therapy helps you meet yourself afresh.
Because you’re not just reacting randomly in relationships — you’re responding from a map you were handed long ago.
🔄 Rewriting the Story
So what does healing look like?
It’s saying:
- “I don’t have to perform to be loved.”
- “I can need others and be strong.”
- “I can trust myself and others — without shutting down or clinging too tightly.”
And for those of us navigating the world as firstborn daughters, caregivers, perfectionists, or fixers — this work is sacred.
✨ A Reflection for You
Ask yourself:
- Which attachment style resonates with you?
- Where might it have formed?
- How is it playing out in your relationships today — with others and with yourself?
- Who are the secure bases in your life right now?
📖 Final Thoughts: Faith and Attachment
In my own journey, faith has been an anchor.
A securely attached relationship with God — marked by unconditional love, forgiveness, and presence — has been one of the most profound sources of healing.
God doesn’t gaslight, abandon, or guilt-trip.
He remains constant even when we withdraw or act out.
In Him, I’m learning to trust again.
Whether you’re in therapy, exploring your past, or just beginning to question your patterns — know this:
You are not broken. You are patterned.
And patterns can be unlearned, rewired, and healed.
Resources for Deeper Study:
- Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
- Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson (on emotionally focused therapy)
- The Power of Attachment by Diane Poole Heller
- Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma by Dr. Mariel Buqué
📌 If this post resonated, feel free to share it with someone who’s walking their healing path.
Healing is not linear — but it is possible.
#AttachmentStyles #InnerChildHealing #TherapyJourney #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth #ChristianTherapist #FaithAndPsychology #SecureAttachment #HealingInCommunity
