A friend recently sent me an Instagram reel featuring a guy acting out the famous Valentine’s song:
“Valentine’s is coming… where is your boyfriend?” 🎶
If you’ve spent any time online in February, you’ve probably heard this playful (but sometimes triggering) tune making the rounds. And let’s be real—Valentine’s season brings up a lot of emotions in people, both spoken and unspoken. Some feel excitement, others feel pressure, and for many, it’s a mix of nostalgia, hope, and even anxiety.
This got me thinking about how we experience love and relationships, and it reminded me of a fascinating book by Deborah Luepnitz, Schopenhauer’s Porcupines: Intimacy and Its Dilemmas.
The Porcupine Dilemma: The Push and Pull of Love
In her book, Luepnitz explores a story told by the German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer about a group of porcupines on a cold night 🦔❄️. Seeking warmth, they huddle together—only to prick each other with their quills. The pain forces them apart, but the cold drives them back together. Again and again, they repeat this cycle, struggling to find a balance between connection and self-protection.
Schopenhauer saw this as a metaphor for human relationships—we crave intimacy, but we also fear getting hurt. We want connection, but when people get too close, their flaws, past traumas, and emotional “quills” sometimes wound us.
Luepnitz, a psychotherapist, expands on this idea, explaining how people unknowingly repeat patterns of avoidance or over-attachment in relationships:
“The dilemma is that we need each other, but we also fear each other. We can neither merge completely nor stay fully separate.”
Sound familiar? Maybe you’ve been in relationships where you felt too vulnerable and pulled away, or you clung too tightly out of fear of losing someone. Maybe you know someone who keeps running back to a toxic ex, drawn to warmth despite the emotional wounds.
Love or Porcupine Behavior? Recognizing the Pattern
As Valentine’s approaches, it’s worth reflecting: Are you engaged in healthy love, or are you repeating porcupine behavior—the push-and-pull dance of seeking warmth but fearing the quills?
Here are some ways to break the cycle and create healthier relationships:
1. Understand Your Emotional Triggers
Luepnitz highlights that our attachment styles—formed in childhood—often dictate how we engage in relationships. Do you pull away when things get serious? Do you hold on too tightly out of fear of abandonment? Understanding your emotional blueprint helps you break toxic cycles.
2. Set Boundaries Without Building Walls
We often think of boundaries as keeping people out, but they’re actually about allowing safe and meaningful connections. If you’re someone who avoids love out of fear, try setting clearer emotional boundaries instead of shutting down completely.
3. Don’t Chase Warmth Just Because It’s Familiar
Many people stay in unhealthy relationships not because they’re happy, but because they feel familiar. As Luepnitz writes:
“The past has a way of repeating itself when we are not aware of its presence in our present.”
This Valentine’s season, ask yourself: Am I choosing love, or am I choosing the warmth of familiarity, even if it hurts?
4. Be Okay With Being Alone
Porcupines huddle together out of need, but humans don’t have to. You can be whole without being in a relationship. If love feels like an endless cycle of pain, step back and focus on self-growth first.
Final Thoughts: Choose Wisely
Valentine’s is here, and whether you’re celebrating love, focusing on self-growth, or ignoring the holiday altogether, remember this:
🌸 You deserve warmth that doesn’t come with painful quills.
🌸 Love should feel safe, not like a survival game.
🌸 You have the power to rewrite your relationship patterns.
So, as the song goes: “Valentine’s is coming… where is your boyfriend?”—or girlfriend, or peace, or self-love? Whatever it is, choose well. 💖
#LoveAndBoundaries #SchopenhauersPorcupines #Valentines2025 #EmotionalIntelligence #SelfAwareness #RelationshipPatterns #MentalWellness
