In my journey as a Christian, one of the most painful experiences was enduring church hurt—a pain that ran deep, not just because of spiritual disappointment, but because it was wrapped in manipulation, abuse, and fear. It was an experience that altered how I saw God, the community, and even myself.
For what I think was a long time, I stayed in an environment that started with love and warmth but soon revealed cracks that only grew deeper as I discerned them. Looking back, I now understand that being trauma-informed, both as individuals and as a church community, is critical for encouraging healthy spiritual lives and relationships with God.
Church hurt is real, and it can be devastating. It’s a pain I personally know all too well, and after listening to Pricelis Dominguez talk with Jackie and Preston Perry on their podcast about her own experience with church, I felt deeply inspired to share my story and reflect on how we can cultivate a trauma-informed approach within our Christian communities.
Experiencing Subtle Spiritual Abuse
It all started with what felt like genuine love. I was going through a vulnerable phase in my life, and the church I found seemed like an oasis of validation and support. In psychology, we refer to this as love bombing—an over-the-top display of affection and validation that often fills an emotional void. I found myself drawn in and comforted by the constant praise and affirmation. But as time passed and my discernment grew, I began to notice the red flapping flags.
The control and manipulation were subtle at first, woven into sermons, leadership, and even prayers. Whenever someone questioned authority or tried to leave, they were labeled disloyal, or worse, spiritually deficient. I began to see a pattern of emotional and spiritual abuse. Leaving was not as simple as walking out the door; it felt like leaving would bring sudden disaster or a curse, as though God Himself would punish me for being “unfaithful.” The fear was genuine, and the manipulation was incredibly sharp.
But eventually, I left. And while it took me time to heal, I found clarity: This was not the church God intended.
“Spiritually abusive relationships demand performance and shame us for not measuring up.”
David R. Johnson, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church
The Nature of Church Hurt
Church hurt happens in many ways. For some, it’s insensitivity to their current situations—leaders dismissing pain with platitudes instead of showing compassion. For others, it comes through a lack of accountability, where leadership becomes untouchable and creates an environment of fear. Superiority complexes arise, where those in charge view themselves as above correction, creating a system where the “regular believer” feels small, voiceless, and afraid to challenge anything.
But spiritual abuse often wears a subtle mask. It can look like authority, guidance, and “discipleship.” The problem is, many who are spiritually abused don’t recognize it until much later, when the fear, shame, and control have taken root.
“If the spiritual relationships you have in Jesus’ name don’t give you rest, but rather make you more tired as time goes on, then they aren’t representing Jesus’ purpose accurately. He came to lift from the backs of tired people the burden of trying hard to earn God’s approval.”
David R. Johnson, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognizing and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church
What Would a Trauma-Informed Church Look Like?
A trauma-informed church recognizes that the people walking through its doors are not just spiritual beings but also emotional and psychological beings. Trauma-informed leadership acknowledges the emotional scars that many carry and seeks to be a place of safety, healing, and transparency.
Here’s what a trauma-informed church would look like:
- Compassionate Leadership: Trauma-informed leaders are compassionate and open, always seeking to understand the emotional and mental states of their congregation. They are not quick to judge or offer superficial advice but listen intently, much like Christ did with those who came to Him for healing.
- Accountability: There would be transparent systems in place to hold leadership accountable. A trauma-informed church recognizes that power, when unchecked, can easily lead to abuse. It promotes open dialogue and encourages members to raise concerns without fear of retaliation.
- Sensitivity to Past Trauma: Trauma-informed churches would train their leaders and members to recognize signs of trauma. Whether it’s a history of abuse, neglect, loss, or spiritual manipulation, this church community would be sensitive to these histories and avoid triggering language or behaviors.
- A Safe Space for Doubt and Healing: A church that truly seeks to be trauma-informed would encourage questions, doubts, and healing journeys. It wouldn’t rush people to “just have faith” or “move on” but would walk alongside them patiently, providing spiritual support as well as emotional care.
- Focus on Genuine Community: A trauma-informed church fosters true connection. It is not about hierarchy, control, or performance, but about a community of believers supporting one another, as scripture calls us to do. It emphasizes belonging over behaving.
- Empathy Over Perfectionism: In this kind of church, the focus isn’t on outward performance but on the state of the heart. Leaders and congregants alike would show empathy and grace, knowing that healing from trauma isn’t linear and can take time.
“Sign of an abusive system: getting angry at other’s real needs.”
Jeff VanVonderen
What to Look for if You’ve Experienced Church Hurt
If you’ve been hurt by a church, it can feel overwhelming, to seek out a new community of believers. But scripture calls us to live in community (Hebrews 10:25), and finding a healthy, trauma-informed church is key to rebuilding trust. Here are some markers of a healing, supportive church:
- Openness to Questions: A healthy church won’t shame you for asking questions. It welcomes your journey and allows space for exploration and doubts without spiritual gaslighting.
- Authentic Leadership: Look for leaders who model vulnerability and humility, not control. Leaders who are quick to confess their own struggles and who actively listen to their congregation are markers of a trauma-informed environment.
- Community, Not Control: Does the church support genuine relationships, or is it more focused on controlling your decisions and behavior? A healing church will focus on creating relationships built on love, not fear.
- A Supportive Network: Healing happens in safe relationships. Look for a church that creates small groups, mentoring, and other networks that emphasize personal care and concern, where you can build trust again.
“The greatest danger of notoriety is you start thinking about you. People then exist to serve you. This is exactly the opposite of the servant mentality. Jesus came to serve, not to be served”
Randy Alcorn
Final Thoughts
As believers, we are called to live in love and truth. A trauma-informed church is not perfect, but it is a place where healing can begin. If you’ve been hurt by the church, know that God desires you to heal and find a community that reflects His love, not fear or control. My personal experience with church hurt has deepened my understanding of trauma, healing, and the importance of community.
If you’re seeking more insight or would like to talk, I’m happy to continue the conversation. You can leave a comment or email me at healthhourtherapy@gmail.com.
Remember, healing is possible, and the church can be a place of restoration when we understand trauma, compassion, and true accountability.
Find The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse Book on Amazon.
