Happy new month and welcome to the month of love.

If you’ve been online lately, you’ve probably seen the memes and reels.
Some hilarious.
Some painfully relatable.
Some that make you quietly close the app and rethink your life choices.

Love evokes everything. Joy. Hope. Fear. Regret. Nostalgia. Exhaustion.

And for many people today, especially in Kenya and across Africa, love also brings a quieter question we don’t ask loudly enough:

Why does this keep happening to me?

Different person.
Different face.
Different job.
Same arguments.
Same emotional fatigue.
Same ending.

Three months in, and you’re having the exact same fight you swore you’d never repeat.

Before love languages.
Before red flags.
Before “knowing better.”

There is something deeper running the show.

That something is attachment.

Attachment: The Invisible Blueprint Behind How We Love

Attachment is not a social media trend or pop psychology shortcut. It is one of the most evidence-based frameworks we have for understanding adult relationships.

Your attachment style is your brain’s learned response to closeness, safety, and emotional connection. It develops early, shaped by how your caregivers responded to your needs, not perfectly, but consistently enough.

Psychiatrist John Bowlby, the pioneer of attachment theory, described it simply:

“The child’s experience of having an available, responsive caregiver provides a secure base from which to explore the world.”

That “secure base” doesn’t disappear in adulthood.
It quietly becomes the operating system behind how you date, love, argue, withdraw, pursue, or shut down.

Attachment Is a Nervous System Strategy, Not a Character Flaw

Think of attachment like a relationship operating system.

You don’t see it running, but you feel its effects.

It shapes:

• Who you are drawn to
• How safe intimacy feels
• How you respond to conflict
• Whether closeness calms you or overwhelms you

This matters deeply in our Kenyan and African context.

Many of us were raised in homes where love existed, but emotional expression was limited. Caregivers were stressed, overworked, traumatised, or shaped by cultural norms that prized endurance over emotional attunement.

We learned how to:

• Respect authority
• Keep family matters private
• Be strong and not complain
• “Handle things” quietly

What we were rarely taught was how to:

• Name emotional needs
• Repair after conflict
• Ask for reassurance without shame
• Stay present when emotions rise

So our nervous systems adapted.

Not because something was wrong with us,
but because adaptation is what humans do to survive.

Psychologist Mary Ainsworth, whose work expanded Bowlby’s theory, showed that attachment patterns are protective strategies. They reflect how the brain learned to stay safe in relationships.

The Main Attachment Styles (Explained in Real Life, Not Textbook Language)

Secure Attachment

Securely attached people are comfortable with intimacy and independence. They communicate openly, tolerate conflict, and don’t confuse emotional intensity with love.

In Kenyan terms, these are the people who can say:
“This bothered me,” without threatening to leave
“I need space,” without disappearing
“Let’s talk,” without escalating

Secure + Secure
These relationships are resilient. Disagreements happen, but they don’t feel dangerous.

Anxious Attachment

Anxiously attached people crave closeness and reassurance. They are highly attuned to changes in tone, behaviour, and availability.

You see this when:

• Read receipts cause spirals
• Silence feels like rejection
• Love feels uncertain unless constantly confirmed

Secure + Anxious
The secure partner’s consistency can be grounding, though reassurance needs may feel heavy if unspoken.

Anxious + Anxious
Often intense at the beginning, but emotionally volatile when reassurance is unavailable.

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidantly attached people value independence and often feel overwhelmed by emotional demands. When things get serious, they withdraw.

In real life, this looks like:

• Pulling away when feelings deepen
• Minimising emotional needs
• Being “fine” instead of present

Secure + Avoidant
This can work if the avoidant partner is willing to practice vulnerability instead of disappearing.

Avoidant + Avoidant
Low conflict, low intimacy. Often stable until one person quietly wants more closeness and doesn’t know how to ask.

Anxious + Avoidant: The Most Common Trap Today

One partner pursues.
The other withdraws.
Each confirms the other’s deepest fear.

This dynamic is everywhere in modern Kenyan dating, especially online.

It’s not toxicity.
It’s two nervous systems protecting themselves in opposite ways.

Why Modern Dating Makes Attachment Harder

Today’s dating culture amplifies attachment patterns.

Read receipts trigger anxious spirals.
Endless options reward avoidant distancing.
Breadcrumbing keeps people emotionally invested without commitment.
Screens replace tone, voice, and emotional presence.

Psychotherapist Esther Perel puts it well:

“We live in a culture that promises intimacy but practices distance.”

Layer this with economic pressure, urban loneliness, cultural silence around emotions, and strong expectations to “settle down,” and many people are quietly burning out.

This is why so many are saying:
“I’m tired.”
“People are playing games.”
“I’d rather focus on my career.”
“Love is not for me.”

Often, what they are really experiencing is attachment exhaustion.

Why So Many People Are Giving Up on Love

Most people are not afraid of love.
They are afraid of repeating pain without understanding why.

Attachment theory offers something powerful here:
language without blame.

It helps us move from:
“What’s wrong with me?”
to
“What did I learn about closeness?”

And more importantly:
“What can I learn differently now?”

Because attachment styles are not destiny.

Your Brain Can Change (Yes, Even Now)

Attachment styles are not fixed across all relationships.

You might be:

• Secure with friends but anxious in romance
• Anxious early in dating but more secure with commitment
• Avoidant in conflict but deeply loyal in action

The brain is neuroplastic. It can learn new relational patterns at any age.

Security is built through:

• Therapy
• Emotionally safe friendships
• Conscious romantic relationships
• Practicing new responses, not just insight

If you’re anxious, practice tolerating uncertainty without abandoning yourself.

If you’re avoidant, practice staying present when emotions rise.

If you’re fearful avoidant, build trust slowly, not dramatically.

And when conflict happens, look beneath the behaviour.

The partner pulling away may be managing overwhelm.

The partner seeking reassurance may be expressing a real need for connection.

Before Love Languages, Before Red Flags

Your attachment style shapes your love life, but it does not have to limit it.

In a time when many people in Kenya and across Africa are giving up on real love, understanding attachment may be the most hopeful work we can do.

Not to romanticise relationships.
But to finally make them emotionally sustainable.

The operating system built in childhood does not have to be the one you use forever.

The real question this month of love is this:

What if the work isn’t finding the right person,
but understanding how you attach to the one you choose?