By: Muthoni Njagi, HealthHourTherapy
Mother’s Day has come and gone, leaving behind a swirl of flowers, heartfelt captions, voice notes, brunches… and for many, a heavy silence.
As I scrolled through social media this past weekend, one post jumped out at me:
“Not every mother should be celebrated.”
It was raw, honest, and at first glance, jarring. But as I read further, it echoed a deep truth that we often brush under the rug—especially in African households where mothers are sacred, untouchable, and above reproach. To criticize one’s mother is considered ungrateful, even shameful.
Yet for many, Mother’s Day is not filled with joy and warmth. It’s a difficult, aching reminder of what wasn’t.
The hugs never given.
The affirmations never spoken.
The abandonment.
The physical or emotional abuse.
The neglect.
The betrayal.
The Idolization of Motherhood
In African culture, mothers are revered with almost spiritual intensity. We call them mama yangu, mama taifa, mama kanisa. The mother is the home. The glue. The hero.
From Black films to family traditions, we often paint a picture of a mother who wakes up before dawn, prepares flawless meals, hosts effortlessly, supports her husband lovingly, offers unwavering emotional support, and still has energy for family prayers, school events, and hobbies. And if that was your experience—you are deeply blessed.
But what if that wasn’t your reality?
What if your mother wasn’t soft, nurturing, or safe?
What if she was burdened, bitter, unwell, or broken?
What if she never knew how to mother—because no one mothered her?
My Story: A Wound & A Willingness
I love my mom deeply. She is graceful, wise, and strong. But we haven’t always had a perfect relationship. What I deeply admire about her, though, is her ability to have tough, uncomfortable conversations, even when she feels attacked or judged—especially when those conversations happen in therapy. That takes courage. That’s healing.
And healing is rarely neat.
As a mother of two daughters myself, I’ve found myself re-learning motherhood. Saying “sorry.” Being emotionally present. Creating space for my children’s feelings. I’ve had to confront how easy it is to pass down wounds I never fully addressed.
Because truthfully: what we don’t heal, we pass on.
So, How Do We Begin to Heal the Mother Wound?
The mother wound refers to the pain, hurt, or trauma—big or small—caused by one’s mother or maternal figure, often unconsciously. It can look like emotional abandonment, lack of validation, perfectionism, codependency, or chronic guilt.
Here are a few ways to begin healing:
- Acknowledge the wound
Stop gaslighting yourself. It did happen. It hurt. Naming the wound is not dishonoring—it’s liberating. - Start the conversation
With prayer, a therapist, a journal, or a trusted friend. Break the silence. - Extend compassion—both ways
Your mother may have done her best with what she knew. Compassion doesn’t erase pain but helps release resentment. - Parent yourself gently
Reparent your inner child by giving her what she needed—love, safety, validation, and rest. - Interrupt the cycle
You get to choose a different story. One of presence, awareness, softness, and truth.
Psychologist’s Insight:
“The mother wound is often buried beneath generations of silence. Healing it is a radical act of self-preservation and love.” — Dr. Thema Bryant
“We cannot heal what we do not acknowledge. Mother wounds are not indictments—they are invitations to deeper wholeness.” — Nedra Glover Tawwab
Quotes to Reflect On:
💬 “Your mother’s unhealed wounds are not your inheritance. You get to choose a different story.”
💬 “To be a mother is to forever have your heart walking outside your body. But to be mothered poorly can feel like walking without a heart.”
💬 “Her children arise and call her blessed…” — Proverbs 31:28
But not all children can say this yet. And that, too, is valid.
To support your healing journey, I’ve created a FREE downloadable journaling guide to help you reflect on your relationship with your mother, your story, and the patterns you want to rewrite.
Final Word:
There are many ways to be a good mother. And there are many ways to heal from not having one. If you are walking the brave road of healing your mother wound, I honor you.
You are not ungrateful.
You are not alone.
You are not broken beyond repair.
You are simply healing.
And that’s something worth celebrating every day. 🌸
